Updated: Jul 25, 2018
As the last of the revellers begin to leave a memorable wedding reception, there's one drawling, drunken voice in the corner not yet ready to go to bed. It's Deborah, a 43-year-old former glamour model that has spent the past 12 hours eyeing the bride enviously.
You see, Deborah used to have it all, in fact at one stage she had the attention of more eligible bachelors than she could imagine, but not anymore. In her late twenties she wasted most of her fortune on trying to live as glamorous a life as she possibly could, sure things were good for a while, but then she was plunged into torturous debt.
She had to sell her big house in Beeston and auction off all of her most valuable possessions at a car boot sale. The most difficult sale of all was that of her car, which she had nicknamed 'Smithy', or 'Alan' for ease.
She was so proud of that little motor, she bought it brand new, but was forced to sell it to her arch nemesis for barely a tenth of its actual value.
Now she is sat sobbing at the wedding of a woman she had always considered inferior to her, something that heightens the pain is that this woman has just married the richest, most handsome man in the world.
As the mascara-stained tears fall onto her Primark dress she screams, "It could have been me, it SHOULD have been me!"
Yet this last act of desperation makes her even less appealing, and in the morning she'll have to not only confront an anxiety-ridden hangover, but she'll have to return to Netto, where she works on the till.
This situation might sound familiar, you may have met a man or a woman just like this, but the main subject of this metaphor is Leeds United. A football club that boasts the most deluded supporters in the country, which is some achievement when you consider they had to fight off the challenge of Newcastle United to achieve that title.
When Huddersfield Town won promotion to the Premier League, Terriers' fans warmly waved goodbye to Leeds United and left them in the past, yet no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to get their fans to leave us alone. Mind you, Manchester United did warn us that might be the case.
This week a Leeds fan called Rob set the delusion radars around Yorkshire into meltdown when his piece about the state of White Rose football was bizarrely published by the Yorkshire Evening Post. I will be sure to question the wisdom of that choice when I arrive at the Post on Monday morning.
If you haven't yet had the pleasure of reading Rob's piece, you can find it HERE, or, if you'd rather gouge your own eyes out with a fork, I've picked out some of the most deluded parts of the article for you, enjoy...
"Huddersfield saved their top-flight existence in much the same way as they earned it in last season's play-offs, by grimly holding on for draws and relying on slip-ups from others."
The team that Rob describes here is the same team that finished 6 points ahead of his beloved Leeds United in the Championship last season. The same team that racked up 37 shots in their 3 play-off games last term whilst 'grimly holding on for draws'.
It's also the same team that secured their place in the play-offs independently, without the help of another team well before the last game of the season.
That's in stark contrast to our neighbours in Beeston, who were left hoping for a win and a 14 goal swing in their last game of the season to gatecrash the play-off party.
Rob also claims that Huddersfield sealed their Premier League survival by relying on slip-ups from others, which is peculiar as the table states that Town finished 4 points clear of the relegation zone.
That certainly doesn't imply that the Terriers were nervously waiting for those around them to slip-up on the last day of the season, as Leeds were in May 2017.
"When Leeds aren't doing well, there's nowt much going on in Yorkshire football"
Leeds have done just short of bugger all since 2003, that's 15 years ago, so Rob is saying here that nothing has happened in Yorkshire football in the last 15 years!
I'm sure Sheffield United, Bradford City, Huddersfield Town and Middlesbrough fans would disagree with that!
Steve Mclaren's League Cup win in 2004 and Uefa Cup final appearance in 2006 with Middlesbrough doesn't count for anything, because Leeds weren't up to much then.
Sheffield United's rise to the Premier League in 2006 also doesn't count, because you know, Leeds weren't doing so well.
Nearly 40,000 Bradford fans shouldn't have bothered travelling to Wembley to cheer on their team in the 2013 League Cup final either.
They should have known that their clubs' incredible achievement of reaching a cup final whilst in League Two was insignificant because Leeds were knocking around in mid-table in the Championship.
Huddersfield fans shouldn't have celebrated beating Manchester United in the Premier League, because the Red Devils' biggest and most feared rivals were, wait for it....knocking around in mid-table in the Championship.
"This is the lesson of the unbridled joy with which Huddersfield's survival was greeted. For Leeds, this would be a humiliation they could not countenance. When United do go up, the demand and expectation will be for so much more"
I'll keep this one short... In 2003 a late Mark Viduka goal sealed Leeds' Premier League survival at Highbury.
For the record, the Leeds fans, players and management did not bother to celebrate this, instead they returned home with their heads bowed as they couldn't stomach the humiliation of narrowly avoiding relegation.
If they felt that humiliated at avoiding the drop, can you imagine how they'd feel if they actually did go down...
"In White Rose football, it's United first and the rest nowhere"
Nope Rob, that's not true either, but in order to educate, I'll help Leeds fans out by showing them just where they stand in White Rose football.
1. Huddersfield Town
3. Sheffield United
4. Leeds United
5. Sheffield Wednesday
That table acts as the final footnote in this Leeds United delusion debate. They are the fourth best club in Yorkshire and have been out of the top flight for 15 years. Their glory days are a long way behind them, and for generations of younger fans they are nothing more than a spinster at a wedding.
They begrudge the success of those around them, and negate any hopes of future betterment by living firmly in the past.
The next time a Leeds fan tells you that they are the number 1 club in Yorkshire, nod your head politely, humour them and move on. They've been through enough and it would be cruel to hit them with the facts of reality.
Anyway, I have to dash, I'm off to watch the FA Cup final between Leeds and Manchester United............