The Piss-Boiling Derby

Updated: Nov 18, 2019

This article contains language and descriptions that may cause the temperature of your urine to reach boiling point. If you are or have recently been the owner of a kettle bladder, please refrain from reading on. Swear words are very much present as well, so this article is not suitable for children...

For those of you that lived and breathed every moment of the 2016/2017 season like me, you’ll be very much aware of the phrase ‘boiling people's piss’. For those of you that didn’t spend every spare minute you had trawling through social media and opposition fan forums, let me explain…

What Does ‘Piss-Boiling’ Mean?

Effectively, it is the phrase used to describe a level of anger inflicted upon another human being so powerful, that it has the effect of boiling the subjects piss prior to it being ejected from their body.

How Do You Boil Piss?

In the absence of a pan and stove, the quickest and most effective way of boiling someone’s piss is to celebrate when your football side beats theirs in a game. If you want to reach boiling point as quickly as possible, you should instruct your team’s players to perform a wave after said victory.

(This wave caused a cloud of piss steam that persisted over Molineux for several days, causing havoc for the Civil Aviation Authority.)

Who Suffers From Boiled Piss?

Fans of Leeds United seem particularly susceptible to the boiled piss phenomenon. Their piss may reach levels of dangerous heat simply from reading a Tweet about discounted match tickets.

Newcastle United, Sheffield Wednesday and other 'sleeping giant' clubs all appear to have a similarly low threshold for piss boiling. Although most recently, Brentford bucked the big club trend on Saturday when a cloud of boiled piss steam enveloped Griffin Park following Town’s 1-0 victory.

Three Key Symptoms Of Piss-Boiling

We shouldn’t be losing to teams like…: In the aftermath of a loss, fans of the beaten team will often take to social media to decry the fact that their beloved club has lost to a ‘team like <insert ‘small’ club name here>. Comments like this are often an indicator of imminent piss-boiling.

Any use of the phrase ‘tinpot’: If a subject writes or says the word ‘tinpot’ in reference to anything, please be aware that they may be suffering from boiled piss. The most common targets of ‘tinpottines’ are; clappers, victory waves, attendances and/or style of play.

Offensive stereotypes: The final and most obvious indicator of boiled piss is a reference to an offensive or inaccurate stereotype. Most recently Brentford fans referred to Town’s style as ‘Northern Cloggy Football’, which is rather more subtle than the ‘dog-bothering’ trope that rears its head bi-annually.

(If you see or hear this phrase being uttered, please seek immediate shelter as the risk of boiled piss is at its highest level.)

Why Is Piss Unnecesarilly Boiled?

Thus far scientists and medical professionals have yet to find a concrete cause of piss-boiling, however, several theories do exist. The most prominent one is that jealousy manifests itself in raised bladder temperatures in the subject, causing boiled piss steam to emanate from the ears.

In the case of Leeds United fans, that theory seems to be the most widely accepted. Almost two decades of barren footballing existence has unfortunately led to a rise in the number of piss-boiling cases reported in Beeston.

With regards to Brentford fans and supporters of similar clubs, the piss-boiling phenomenon has been linked to the Saltiness Crisis of 2016.

Treatment For Piss-Boiling

Those suffering from boiled piss should immediately seek the help of a medical professional in turning off their bladder kettle. If you encounter someone with unusually high urine temperatures, please do not engage with them as doing so runs the risk of exacerbating the condition.

Who Are The Biggest Boilers Of Piss In The Land?

The answer to this question is constantly changing, however, there are a few examples of notable piss-boilers in recent times. In 2016 much of the English landscape was left looking like a volcanic spring after Leicester City won the Premier League, causing a number of fans piss to spontaneously combust.

Then, on the way to promotion from the Championship, David Wagner and his little gang of waving players brought the piss-boiling debate back into the mainstream (no pun intended…)

Since then, Cardiff City and Sheffield United have boiled several hundred gallons of urine between them. At the time of writing, ourselves and Preston North End are back at it.

Town appear to be boiling piss thanks to their style of play, whilst Preston are boiling piss on two fronts.

The Lilywhites position toward the top of the Championship has sent urine temperatures into overdrive in recent weeks. On top of that, Preston are deemed by many to play an agricultural style of football that should be consigned to the Pleistocene.

This combination appears to have spawned a new condition, where sufferers surpass the boiled piss stage and go straight to being Huffity-Puffity. Not much is known about this new condition, but it is feared that it could infect much of Leeds by May 2020.

Piss-Boilers vs Piss-Boilers

Saturday’s clash against Preston, according to records, will be the first time that two active piss-boilers have met each other during a joint period of high-virulence. It is unknown what the outcome will be, but we shall seek to find it out tomorrow when we preview the game.

Until then, UTT.

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