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The Trial of David Wagner – Opening Statements
Noel River: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, today I present to you a case that is most damning, most worrisome and most criminal. The deliberate and systematic destruction of Huddersfield Town football club.
The accused is a man of modest appearance. His facial features and general demeanour may not strike you as typical of a callous man. As the proverb goes, “do not judge a book by its cover”.
Beneath this soft exterior lies a monster, a man of villainy so extreme that it would make the hairs on your arms stand on end. After guiding Huddersfield Town to the Premier League, the defendant sought to undermine the club from within.
His inhumane tactics, results and player recruitment have left the entire population of the town in a catatonic state. We will argue successfully that these are the calculated acts of a sinister, evil man.
At the conclusion of this trial, you will have no option other than to find this man guilty, in order to rid Huddersfield of this man’s pungent stench.
Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen.
Thank you, your Honour.
Stephen Troux: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to relieve you of the anxiety and fear imbued on you by my learned friend. You have been selected today to make the right decision regarding my client, David Wagner. At the end of this affair, you will arrive at the right, just and honest conclusion.
David has been accused of systematically mismanaging Huddersfield Town and letting down not only himself, but the supporters of the club as well. These assertions are fanciful, fabricated and typical of the current knee-jerk attitudes prevalent in society.
We will not only show you what David has done for his employers. We will also show you what he has done for the area of Huddersfield and the people of the town. You will hear plenty of bluster over the course of this trial, but I implore you to stick to the facts.
Do not get bogged down by rumour and opinion. Stick steadfastly to the facts and you will find my client not guilty, which is the only just result of this trial.
Thank you for your time Ladies and Gentlemen.
Thank you, your Honour.
The Trial of David Wagner – The prosecution lay out their case
Noel River: On the board in front of me is an info graphic detailing the fortunes of Huddersfield Town football club from mid-December 2017 until the present day. Your honour and jurors, you can find these figures on page 12 of the information booklet.
As you can see, Huddersfield Town have won just 5 games in this period, having played 44 times. Not only this, but the team have scored a measly 27 goals in this timeframe. If we are to assume that the general punter would pay on average, £20 per match then the average
Huddersfield Town fan has had to shell out £32.59 per Huddersfield Town goal.
On top of this, they have paid £176 per Huddersfield Town victory. Something is very much awry. Football is an entertainment business, and I ask you all this. Could you reasonably expect to pay £176 for 90 minutes of enjoyment? Could you justify that to yourself? Over a trip to the cinema, the pub or the opera?
You could not, and you would not. As you retire from the court this evening, think on that. When you are watching television in your hotel room, imagine being served a bill of £176 for having watched that film.
Tomorrow, when the court resumes, you will see further conclusive evidence that the defendant is guilty, beyond all reasonable doubt.
The Trial of David Wagner – The Prosecution continue their case
NR: The prosecution calls Rodney Hotdogs to the stand.
NR: Rodney, could you state for the court your position at Huddersfield Town?
RH: I would prefer Mr. Hotdogs.
NR: Apologies Mr. Hotdogs, could you please state your position at Huddersfield Town?
RH: Yes sir, I am the head of community engagement.
NR: And what does this role entail?
RH: Liaising with the fan base, organising events and raising the profile of the club in the community.
NR: Would you agree that organising birthday celebrations for an elderly fan would fall under your purview?
RH: I suppose, yes.
NR: In 2018 did a lifelong fan contact you regarding the 80th birthday of his Mother and the possibility of sending a player to her home to mark the occasion?
NR: And what was the outcome of this request?
RH: We were unable to fulfil it as the playing squad and management were overseas at the time of the request.
NR: I put it to you that, that is not the case. I put it to you, that David Wagner specifically instructed you to concoct this lie as way of a plausible excuse. I put it to you that the club does not care about real fans, fans who have supported the club all of their lives and fans that bleed blue & white.
RH: We all bleed blood, its red.
NR: Ladies and Gentleman, that response is symptomatic of the apathy and ignorance that is inherent at Huddersfield Town football club, thanks to David Wagner.
NR: No further questions your honour.
The Trial of David Wagner – The prosecution argue their final point
NR: The prosecution calls Jurgen Klopp to the stand.
NR: Mr Klopp, you are the manager of Premier League leaders Liverpool are you not?
JK: Jaa, das ist richtig. Sorry, I mean yes that’s right.
NR: Would you say that your team play with passion, skill, tenacity and flair?
JK: Oh yes, definitely *chuckles*
NR: Would you say that Huddersfield Town play with the same qualities?
JK: For me you know, it’s maybe hard to say. It’s one of these things. I manage Liverpool, maybe I don’t see Huddersfield all the time. Maybe the situation is different, but perhaps not, no.
NR: AHHH, perhaps not you say. So Huddersfield Town do not play the same good football that Liverpool do? Yes or no?
NR: And are you German Mr Klopp?
JK: Yes naturally.
NR: Is David Wagner German?
NR: So you are German, David Wagner is German and yet your teams play two totally different styles of football?
NR: I put it to you that despite both being German, you and David Wagner play different styles of football. You implore your players to play exciting football, whereas the duplicitous Wagner instructs his players to play the exact opposite.
I put it to you that there is no logical explanation for this difference in style, other than the fact that David Wagner is a demon sent to destroy Huddersfield Town.
JK: That’s crazy, absolut….
NR: NO FURTHER QUESTIONS YOUR HONOUR.
The Trial of David Wagner – The Defence state their case
ST: The defence would like to call Chris Powell to the stand.
ST: Mr Powell, you were the manager of Huddersfield Town prior to the arrival of David Wagner were you not?
CP: Yes I was.
ST: Can you describe to the jury how difficult that job was please?
CP: Yes, it was terribly, terribly difficult. I wouldn’t have wished it on my worst enemy. The club did not have any money, I frequently had to pay my own train fare from London as the club did not have the funds to reimburse me.
On average there were 14-15 fans in the stands for home games and I had even less than that number available for selection in the playing squad. It was my opinion at the time that the club was destined for the National League, so, contrary to the reports at the time, I resigned from my position at the football club. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
ST: Crikey, that sounds terribly difficult indeed. So with the club struggling so much by the time you say you resigned, how did you expect your replacement to fare?
CP: Well firstly I’d never heard of David Wagner. I first saw him when I was cleaning out my office at the training ground, I gave him a friendly smile and signed the piece of paper he was clutching in his hand assuming he was just another one of my passionate supporters.
When I saw his interview with Nigel Clibbens, I laughed myself silly. How was this geek going to do any better than me I thought? When he avoided relegation from the Championship in his first season I nearly fell of my three-piece, non-stick, leather sofa.
ST: A hard piece of furniture to fall from, I’m sure we can all agree? So if you were shocked to see David Wagner avoid relegation, what did you make of him winning promotion in the following season?
CP: I have heard rumours in the football community that David Wagner had no Father. Well, that is to say that he had no human Father. Rather, he was born as a result of the second Immaculate Conception.
One manager told me that Wagner’s Mother had a sexual encounter with the Holy Ghost before birthing Wagner. Whilst this might seem far-fetched, it is the only logical explanation for David Wagner’s managerial success – he is the son of God, and his Mother had it off with a ghost.
ST: Do you believe David Wagner to be responsible for the current plight of Huddersfield Town? If so, should he be sacked and found guilty of the alleged crimes?
CP: Absolutely not. But this is exactly what happened to Jesus. Mr River is Pontius Pilate, as well as bloody big prat.
Judge Jarvis: Mr Powell, the court will not tolerate that language! Take this as your final warning, any further infractions will result in your ejection from this courtroom.
CP: Apologies your Majesty.
Judge Jarvis: Your honour.
CP: What about it?
Judge Jarvis: Mr Troux, please continue with your questioning before I lose my mind.
ST: Of course your honour, could you please continue with your statement Mr Powell whilst ensuring you do not swear.
CP: Yep, he shouldn’t be sacked. We shouldn’t even be talking about this, he is the Messiah and he isn’t even a naughty boy. He is a God amongst men.
ST: No further questions your honour.
The Trial of David Wagner – Closing Statements
NR: Over the course of this trial, you have heard the stunning testimony of Rodney Hotdogs, and others that all confirm what we already knew. That there is an unquantifiable darkness about David Wagner. The meek looking German harbours a deep evil within him, one that has been incredibly destructive to Huddersfield Town football club and the people of the town.
You are required to make a fair judgement on the evidence that has been presented to you. It is your duty to your country and your fellow citizens that you reach the right conclusion in this trial. The right conclusion is that David Wagner is guilty as charged.
Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen.
Thank you, your honour.
ST: Reasonable doubt. You may well already be aware of what these two words mean in relation to the court. However let me remind you of its meaning. Reasonable doubt means that you have some basis in logic to doubt the guilt of my client.
Whatever that may be. Whether you believe that my learned friend Mr River is conducting an ill-judged witch-hunt. Whether you believe the honest testimony of Chris Powell. Whether you think Huddersfield Town are better now than when they were when my client arrived.
If any of these things resonate with you then you must, must find my client not guilty. Far too much public time and money has been spent on what we hope you can now see to be a frivolous case. You have the power to end this farce by making the right, honest and just decision. The only decision that you can reasonably make. David Wagner is not guilty of these charges.
Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen.
Thank you, your honour.
Judge Jarvis: It is now the responsibility of you, the jury to consider your verdict. The only verdict that will be accepted by the court at this time will be one which is unanimous, unless you receive contrary information from myself.
You will need to select one person to act as the foreman of the jury. The responsibility of the foreman will be to chair discussions in the jury room and deliver the verdict to the court.
During deliberation, any exhibits or testimonies that you wish to see will be made available to you by the court.
Do not underestimate the responsibility on your shoulders to reach a fair, honest and just verdict.
Finally, I would like to remind you that season card prices have been frozen for the upcoming season and that on Sunday evening we will be unveiling the new Huddersfield ring road which has been sponsored by new club partners Barry’s Pastrami House.
You are dismissed.
YOU ARE THE JURY
Does David Wagner deserve to be sacked? If so write GUILTY in the comments section, if not type in NOT GUILTY.